By Toya Sharee on madamenoire.com
2011 will unfortunately be known to many as the year when “Heauxs Were Winning.” The public watched Basketball “wives” snag baller after baller and witnessed countless rappers wife up video vixens and booty models. Comment sections across the world-wide web were stampeded by readers holding their college degrees and dignity high above their heads like swords. In shock and horror, they questioned how these men were overlooking sophisticated, educated women to flaunt big bootied brainless beauty queens on their arms. (Of course we assumed that if a woman’s biggest claim to fame is a KING magazine cover, she automatically has to be an idiot).
What many women failed to question was A) Were these women as clueless or uncouth as we assumed they were? B) Whether or not these men placed as much value on class, sophistication and education as some of their female counterparts and C) Why are so many of us attracted to men whose priorities in a potential mate include fat booty, frying chicken, and freak in the sheets?
This got me thinking that although many women think they know what men want, it’s more likely that we’ve created an idea of what we think men SHOULD want. Some of the things that we value in relationships and sex simply don’t matter much to some men, and men desire completely different things from a woman based on whether a relationship is solely sexual or soul mate material. The quicker more women understand this, the sooner they too will be “winning.”
What you are about to read is a written account based on what I as a woman have witnessed from the values expressed by a variety of men. If you are truly interested in what a man values in a woman, try asking one.
1. A College Degree
In no way am I telling you to trade in your Bachelor’s for some booty shorts, but I am willing to bet that when Drake laid eyes on Maliah, the last thing he was asking himself was if she could recite all the elements on the periodic table from memory. Most men don’t want a brainless beauty for a wife (and you probably aren’t trying to lock down one who does) but they are visual creatures and what we woman have to understand is that if it’s 1:45 am in the club, that man whose been eye-humping you all night probably isn’t looking for his Mrs. Right as much as he is looking for Mrs. Right Now. For some reason, many woman like to use their education as a reason why they are more wifey material than the girl dropping it low in so and so’s video. And hopefully you’re struggling through that Calculus class because you know it will give you a better chance at a successful future and not just the next eligible bachelor. An education is a valuable asset, but it doesn’t guarantee you a good man over the girl dancing for dollars.
2. Sexy Undergarments
Heathcliff Huxtable taught us that it’s all about the presentation. But while men are visual creatures, they’re more interested in seeing what’s under your La Perla. A guy once told me, “I don’t understand why women spend so much time and money on sexy lingerie only for it to end up in a ball on the floor.” He also revealed to me that anything black and lacy all looks the same. If you really want to turn his head, pull out your special “that-time-of the-month” panties and sports bra; it’s the perfect way to make him appreciate all of the sexiness he once took for granted.
3. Sex Faces and Hair
You’re probably missing out on that desirable Big O because you’re so busy obsessing about whether or not your sex face and hair make you look like that little girl on The Exorcist. You may be worrying about a rogue false eyelash or a little bit of sweat, but most men agree that there’s something explicitly carnal and erotic about seeing a woman’s hair all wild while she’s biting and clawing at him in the throes of passion. So let your hair down, or better yet take if off and focus on getting yours, because he will most definitely make sure he gets his.
4. Chipped Nail Polish
When you know you need a manicure or pedicure, you may feel like the whole world knows too. No man wants a woman with consistently jacked up hands and feet but he won’t go running for the hills just because you’re overdue for your acrylic overlay. When it comes to other minor beauty mishaps like going without your false eyelashes for a night, you’re probably making a bigger deal out of it than your man is.
5. Stretch Marks
Those thicker thighs, rounded hips or even that bundle of joy you wished for all came at a cost called stretch marks. You could try thinking of it as a biological road map or God entertaining his interest in tattooing, but the truth is very few women are in love with their stretch marks and they probably think their man hates them too. Stop worrying and slathering your cakes with cocoa butter like you are literally about to bake them. Honestly ladies, I doubt a man is going to tell you to put your clothes back on and don’t call him ever again if he sees your derriere came with a little extra decoration.
6. Red Bottoms
With the exception of Maino who speaks of women like they are car accessories, most men can’t tell the difference between Prada and Payless. What they will notice is whether you’re looking uncomfortable all for the sake of fashion or if you’re rocking the oh so sought after “Red Bottoms” but surviving on Ramen noodles and cereal. As long as you can put together a sexy look you feel confident in, it doesn’t matter much to men how much you spent on it. As much as I like my men dressed to impress, obsession over fashion labels is something best left to the ladies.
7. Breast Size
If you watch enough Trey Songz videos you’ll start believing that all men want a Brazilian bombshell who’s been blessed in the chest and always has that “glistening-emerging-from-the pool” look. Thankfully, in real life, most men are happy to see any breasts at all to be picky about size. Unless you personally feel the need to push, pad and prop the girls up, don’t fall victim to the pressure to cop some double D’s to get a dude.
8. How Soon You Give Up the Goods
It still may not be the greatest idea to sleep with man before you learn his last name, but there’s no magical amount of time that makes the difference between marriage material and jump off. It’s truly about how you carry yourself and what you allow. If you command respect you’ll get just that and if he’s truly into you he won’t care if you give it up after 7 days or 7 months. Just because we’re women doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to like sex too.
9. How Well You Groom Your Secret Garden
Keep in mind that when it comes to the genitals, a male’s primary concern is cleanliness. It’s your personal preference if you want to go completely bare, Brazilian or want to shave his name in it, what matters most is that old girl is zestfully clean. This doesn’t mean it has to smell like French vanilla or honey blossom. Men are completely aware that vagina has a distinct scent, and as long as that scent isn’t Four Day Funk, your guy won’t be complaining.
10. Long Hair
The truth is, we as women probably care more about long hair than any man ever has. Look at how many men lusted after Amber Rose whose was affectionately named “The Bald Headed Beast” or Halle Berry, the star of many men’s fantasies who usually rocks a short pixie. Long hair doesn’t always equal beauty. The point is to rock a hairstyle that’s flattering and natural looking. You’d be surprised at how many heads you will turn when you pull back those Rapunzel strands to reveal a pretty face and some sexy confidence.
Toya Sharee is a community health educator who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything from beauty to love and relationships. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee.